Dark times shall soon pass...

I feel like this year has had many problems and although it was a big learning experience...it was still very difficult. I am thankful, however, to still be alive and kicking. One thing I believe, is that it's always darkest before dawn. Since things have been getting gloomier lately, I feel the long awaited sunrise will come at last. Have a happy new year everybody!

♥Kay♥

changes over time

So I've been going through old blogs and I've realized just how much I've changed through out the time. It's so amazing! How going from one obsession to another and learning to deal with my emotions and how to express them in a positive way. It's so COOL! although I think back on all the mistakes I've made and all the stupid things I've done and I feel almost sorta regret. Oh well. I'll get over it.

Black is an amazing color. So is pink. Together they are perfection :)

Speech tomorrow. *sigh* I can only hope for the best!

♥Kay♥

Sad poems part 1

WARNING: Yes, they are sad poems. I don't always feel this way and I'm fine. Dont worry about me, I just want an opinion or two on the quality. thank you!

I try writing happy poems, but they all suck. So here are my really super sad poems. Some of them are really old, some are new. I'm going in order from the ones I like the most to my least liked. If I hate them, they aren't going here.

1)
scratch & scribble,
down the words go,
somewhere to put the anger,
because I can't let it show.

2)
the memories, the fear,
the pain to bear,
all for me to know,
the tears try not to show,
collecting up in my eyes,
counting all the lies,
all the times that weren't real.

3)
emotions, feelings,
written down,
the world can see,
no smile, no frown.

4)
P eople oriented
A nger beyond reason
I nner feelings with no meaning
N owhere to run to

5) {iffy on this one}
the hole in her heart aches,
the tears in her eyes burn,
her knuckles white like the sink,
the anger deep in her stomach,
the boy who broke her heart,
will love no longer.

6)
beauty, pleasing to the heart,
helps it heal,
put together what fell apart.

Soooo that's what I have so far, that's complete, of course. I'm still working on a few that I think will be better. I'm sorry that they are all sad but, you know, it's still good poetry.....or at least I hope. lol :) hope you enjoyed! thanks for reading.

♥Kay♥

Mmmmbahhhh

bah. I can not help how it is I feel. Can fate not take this heart to seal, it up and make everything alright? I see the path but know no light. In time I learn to wander and stray, mixed in with light and time of day why do I feel such passion for one? Can't I burn up in the eternal sun? I'm sick in that I know no pain and won't listen to those that give me strain. I ignore all signs telling me no. I can't leave, don't make me go. I care too much to leave now, I'll die here just tell me how. Leave my mind and go to rest, I'll save my thoughts for the best. Prove to me you want me all, tell me it, the big and small. Don't let me walk away and leave, keep me here this autumnal eve. Show me that which makes you tick, beating my heart with a drumstick. Take my pain away and flee, far away I'll run with glee. Get me out and help me run, before this day is over and done. I can't leave, don't make me go.

BLAHHHHHHHHHH
Go away! Get out of my mind. Before I start writing more poems that make no sense! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrawr!
Hehe :)

♥Kay♥

Test

Okay so out of all the teacher's classes I was the only 100% on the
science test. I love being a nerd. <3

♥Kay♥

dammit

She never ceases to amaze me. *sigh* I'm still revelling from it. Oh well it was great to see so many people at church today. As it always is and forever shall be. I'm just so happy and pleased. Where there's a will, there's a way and God will make it happen. I firmly believe in that. :D Have a great day everybody!!

Awesome

Today was one of those awesome days. It wasn't perfect but just awesome. I am such a nerd, I LOVE IT! I ace quizzes, fix problems, and get the highest or second grade of the class. I'm such a nerd it's so awesome. :D people only wish they were so smart. My mo should be proud so should my dad. YAY me!!!! Woot woot!

♥Kay♥

Wow

Is it okay if I feel absolutely amazing?
I hope so!

♥Kay♥

Lunch

Sometimes being with your own thoughts is quite pleasant.
:)
♥Kay♥

Hi peeps

So we are going bowling and oh my goodness it is soooo cool to be able
to type sideways with my iPod I think it might have been worth the
stupid $10 I had to pay :(
Yeah anyway last night was amazing for no particular reason.
And I absolutely loved it. I felt amazingly great, maybe it was an
adrenaline rush or something but anywho, I can't wait! Angie's party
tomorrow, I'm not sure what I'm doing Sunday, and Monday is the beach!
Bye peeps!

♥Kay♥

Monday

When I grow up I want to be...in the Ladies' Red Hat Group!!!!

Lol
Kay

Ohohoh!

So many wonderful things are happening!
I have seen and chatted with so many wonderful people! I am having a ball!
Speaking of ball my yarn is ready!!! Oh I'm so excited!!!!!!!! It should be here in a few days give or take some. Ohhhh but I'm so ready to see it! Yes I am!! Woot

♥Kay♥

8 more days

until graduation. 7 more days until Great America.

I haven't done much to blog on here about. I'm too tired to care really, there isn't anything going on and I just want school to be over with. I need summer. I need something to pass the time. I need something to keep me going on my school work. I'm slipping. I don't think I care anymore, there's no reason to. School doesn't matter anymore, I want it to be over with. There are so many things I plan on doing in the summer I want to go out there and do them. I want an open schedule, I don't want some office telling me I need to be here and here and this and this a time. It's not fair, it's not right, I think the entire school system is messed up. Who ever created it, didn't have his or her thinking cap on straight. Actually I think it was twisted and put on backwards so tight that they had permanent brain damage. No teenager in their right mind would want to wake up at 7 in the morning or earlier.

GRRRR, what's the use of complaining? I need to do something about this, it's inhibiting so many students from doing the best work possible. I almost fall asleep in Algebra every morning. lol

whatev.

4 more days until Sunday
3 people I can't stop thinking about
2 more weeks until the picnic
1 slowing slipping mind


My mind set is so far off, it makes Pluto look close to the sun.

Yay!

I WON THE $300 SCHOLARSHIP!!

Woohoo!
Yeah
All things come in 3's

Let's see 1...2... Where's 3?

♥Kay♥

Wow, Thursday sucks

Sad really, almost depressing. IDK stupid memories. I hate the sun. I love the rain. It should rain more often. I think I would like to spend at least one spring in Washington state. They have so much rain there it makes us look like a desert, or well, so I've heard.
I'm tired. I hate being bored. I hate waiting. I just wish school would be over with. There is 11 more days & I need to graduate soon or I'm going to lose it. I will go crazy.
June 6th is the church picnic and I can't wait for it. I want to see everyone again.
Heck if Sunday would just get here faster I think I could make it.
Yeahhhh
I finally got around to changing the name of my blog. lol my birthday was like weeks ago.
Yes, it takes more muscles to frown then it does smile. So I guess I should frown more often and work the face muscles, lol.
I can wiggle my ears
I can flare my nose.
It was funny, last year people were showing off the fact that they could flare their noses and I couldn't because I never knew it was possible so I stared at myself in a mirror for like 15 minutes and willed myself to do it. Lmao, it finally worked and BAM now I can do it. Smart little me.

Yes, smart, short, little, goody two shoes, uptight, overprotective, offensive, me.

or something like that.



Oh, and I made it into colorguard.

Change

God has changed me so much but I think it's the people he has given me that changed me more.

♥Kay♥

Colorguard

Colorguard tryouts! I can't wait. 3-4

Right now in panther time and bored as all get out!!!

♥Kay♥

Perfect yarn

I almost forgot! My wonderful dear lively mother bought me, what I hope will be, the perfect yarn. I have had this vision of THE perfect project for a very dear friend of mine & I have been looking for the yarn for quite a while. My mother & I finally found a person who sounds like she can understand what I am looking for so she will hand dye (yes I did just say hand dye) the yarn to my specific colors AND if it doesn't knit out the way I want it to she will redo it for me. That's awesome!! I really cannot wait for her to get it. I have a feeling that this project is a little more then just my doing & the person it's for will really, really like it. It's just a theory but I will wait and see.
When I get it, in about a month or two, I will take and post pictures but until then we shall all wait.

Her website is www.sisyarn.com so don't be afraid to check it out.

With love,
♥Kay♥

Tatting

I learned what needle tatting is!! I found out it's pretty much kind of like embroidery. It's really small stitches with one needle and thread and it's kind of complicated but I think I got it. I've had SOOOO much fun!!! We had a wonderful time and learned many things and we loved it. I'm tired so I'm gonna go but I have church in the morning so we'll see what happens.

♥Kay♥

Who Am I?

I'm...
A daughter,
A sister,
A best friend,
A student,
A supporter,
A learner,
A teacher,
A confused teen,
A bad influence,
An honor roll "mega-nerd",
A dog lover,
A church/God obsessed freak,
A spunky, outgoing rocker,
And an imperfect human being.

I am Kay Murillo and that's all I will ever be.

I am who I am & that's all I am.

♥Kay♥

Headache

You have absolutely no idea how difficult it is to come up with and type an essay for a music scholarship. I don't know why I deserve the thing I just want to get the money so I can take the lessons, why? Because I want to become better, why? Because maybe if I can increase my talents early on it will pave the road for a degree in musical theater. SO, I'm still trying to figure out how to end my opening paragraph. >.<

Sad Poem

A very sad, depressing poem. Mother, you don't want to read it.
But first, an anagram like thing.

People-oriented
Anger beyond reason
Inner feelings with no meaning
Nowhere to run to

The Life Before Death

Stuck inside a world I hate,

anger and frustration on my plate,

piling up like land fills,

running into me forming hills

of hurt & pain I can't endure,

screaming that I want no more.

"Mercy! Mercy!" is my cry.

I hear a laugh as they stand by.

My pain, my fear, for the world to see

as I slowly die in envy.

I wish I could live the life of anyone,

who didn't have to know they are now done.

The life I dream is a life now passed,

as the chamber is filled with gas.

I don't know what it was I did,

but I'm in what looks like a jar with a lid.

I can't see, I can't breathe, as my head spins,

I'm near a stone wall, propped up on some bins.

I can't stay here long, it's getting dark,

my head hits the wall and I feel a spark.

Closing

I see the light, I'm going now,

my eyes flutter close, I begin to bow,

my head falls aside, my jaw goes slack,

I don't think I'm ever coming back.

100th post

Oh, happy birthday Mom!

*woot woot* My 100th post. Pretty cool I guess. Idk, depends on how you look at it. Everything depends on how you look at it. Like this part of a poem. Well I guess it's a poem but it's freeverse and barely makes any sense. It's not finished yet & I'm probably not going to finish it either just because it's kind of confusing and requires me to be in the same mood I was at the time of writing it, in which I'm not in sooooo...


WARNING: don't read if your in a good mood & don't think this is somehow about me. It's not.

hatred, fear, pain, hurt,
sorrow, depression, sadness, guilt,
we hide the feelings that turn us insane,
we cover this with a smile not felt.

we show no fear to anyone,
for their thoughts didn't matter anyway,
we cover it all with shows and things
pretend it didn't happen,
lose the memories.

hopes, dreams, courage, happiness,
all go together like leaves on a plant,
they stick around forever and always,
until some one comes and plucks it off
alone it dies.

sad, apart, and alone.

Saturday

And then it rained.

♥Kay♥

I just don't know

BULL! BULL BULL BULL IT'S ALL A BUNCH OF BULL!

Okay no it's not. I am very close to tears right now so you know what has happened. I really don't think I need to explain. I am going to end up crying for a good part of the night so don't expect me to be on anything a lot.

On the 26th of April too. The day right before my birthday. Oh how many tears I shall shed. Hopefully that day that we planned for the park will stay the same. We can invite all of the people who would come now and just make it a closed picnic instead of one open to the public. Maybe we can see everyone together again. I don't know, I just don't know.

I don't want to lose my family and I don't want to lose the people I love. I can't stand the thought of it. It's too much to bear. How did this happen? Could no one see the signs? We all just chose to ignore it and look where we ended up.


Why won't it rain?
Kay

P.S. I don't doubt that this isn't God's fault. He hasn't done anything wrong. It is the people that have caused this church family great pain & now with the fact that we are more then likely going to split to multiple churches scares me. I know that God isn't the accused and He has done nothing to me except love and care for me so I am not mad at Him. No, I am mad at myself & at the upper boss people. They should have told us earlier!!!!!

Love

Love is like fire,
It spreads quickly throughout us,
Love is a liar,
We feel what we know is wrong,
Love is like pain,
You will never go a day without it,
Love is like rain,
One minute the skies are clear and it looks like there's no hope and the next you're being poured on,

Love is something special...
and we all take it for granted. We live on through each day and go through the motions, through the feelings. We don't stop and tell the people we care about the most how much they mean to us. We don't tell them that we love them.

We care, we pray, we hope, but do we really love? How do we show this then? What can we do to prove our love for them? We can't. God will give us a time to do this, we just need to be open & ready for it. It's difficult to know when this is happening. However, this is only my perception of love.

Love is a special word that always means something different to each individual. I can't tell you what love is, I can't show you what love is like, all I can do is give you my interpretation.

I love many people in my life with a deep passion, one of family, but closer. They are called my friends and I truly don't think they know just how much I love them. I would sacrifice my life for any and all of the them. I love them all, but I don't think they know how much.

& it's very likely that they never will.


I wish it would rain.
Kay

Show

I am not happy, but instead of spilling my guts out and telling everyone my plans I am going to sit down, shut up, and stuff my face with pop and popcorn. Period.

♥Kay♥

Metaphor for thought

So far in your life, you have been following in the footsteps that everyone has taken, when one day there is a fork in the path of sand. You can follow the multitudes of footsteps or the path with just a few. The multitudes of footsteps go across smooth flat earth. The right path has rocky sand with sharp stones and hills in the distance. You always could just turn and make a brand new path.
Where will you go? What path will you follow?

In any of these paths, Jesus is with us as He always is.

RESULTS:
Our human nature tells us to take the left path, the smooth earth and many footsteps tell us it is safe. This path also takes us twice as long to get to the end because half of the time we don't realize who we are with or where we are going.

The right path is much harder. We must face all of the challenges before us but we see others who have done it before. It gives us strength and courage to go on.

We, of course, could always make a new path. This is much harder but very rewarding. This path allows us not to follow Jesus, but walk beside him. Fighting to make new footsteps so one day, maybe some one else, can get just a little bit farther.

♥Kay♥

On my journey through life...

I have stopped to catch my breath. What surrounds me is darkness through and through. Yet a small stream of light pokes through the darkness and I know, that is where I am to go. That little source of light is where I am to be, and if I stop now, I will be lost forever in the darkness.

Okay don't ask, I felt like being all author-ish right now. Hopefully it worked, maybe I'll inspire some one. But until then it's a cute little paragraph.

Thoughts, I have too many of them

I have wayyyy too much time on my hands. Period.
I overthink things, especially the actions of people. Rawr
I overwonder about people, esp. my church family. (some people are like songs, they might be really cetchy but when you can't get them out of your head they get pretty annoying no matter how awesome they are)
I overinterpret things, esp. the thoughts of people.
I overwant things, esp. the attention of people.
I overneed things, all I should need is God. Seriously
Yeah
Way, way, too much time. I need to get out more >.<
But you know, if people lived closer to me I wouldn't be having this problem. Or even if people were just able to stay over more that would be cool.
Rawr
Rawr
Rawr
Rawr
I'm confused...
I'm tired...
I'm hurt...
I wonder...